


I'm Sorry

by myhomeistheshire



Series: The Weight of Living [4]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-27
Updated: 2013-11-27
Packaged: 2018-01-02 19:12:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1060535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myhomeistheshire/pseuds/myhomeistheshire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Skye sees Ward coming out of May's room and confronts him about it. (set directly after 1x09.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Sorry

           Skye hadn’t been able to sleep all night. After the whole near-death experience (well, another one) she’d been more shaken up than she’d liked to admit. And even more than that, her talk with Hannah had stirred up more than a few unwelcome memories. Mrs. M, when she was 6, sticking her in the shed overnight after she’d stolen some food from the fridge and telling her she deserved it, that stealing was a sin. Mr. Nolan, when she was 16, hitting her over and over again because he was “doing god’s work in disciplining you dumb kids.” She’d run away that time, but he’d found her, just like always. Skye remembered looking in the mirror after that, at the bruised and bloody face that somehow was her own, and hating herself for not being stronger, smarter. For not being able to protect herself, and the other kids. Emma. Gracie. Tim. She remembered the names, she’d always remember the names. The time she was twelve and shared a foster home with a six year old named Marcie. The kid stepped out of line once, and the dad freaked out, started screaming. Skye stepped in, trying to calm him down, not raising her voice because she didn’t want Marcie to get scared. He’d shoved her out of the way, and all she could do was watch. She washed Marcie’s face after, stroked her hair and tried to calm her down, but it wasn’t enough, it was never enough. There were so many times like that, different faces, different names, but over and over again the same scenario. Skye couldn’t help. Couldn’t protect the people she wanted to, couldn’t protect _herself_ because she was so goddamned _weak_ it made her sick.

           After two straight hours of duking it out with the punching bag, Skye was exhausted. But something kept her up still, restless and unsettled. And so for some inexplicable reason she went to find Ward. It was 5 in the morning, he was probably up already getting ready for his crazy early morning exercise routine. She knocked gently on his bunk door. “Hey - Ward? You up?” There was no response. Skye sighed. Fine then, she’d just find something else to do on the bus at 5 am. She turned to go down the hallway, but as she rounded the corner she saw the door to May’s room open and, lo and behold, the very person she was looking for appeared, looking very disheveled and with his shirt on inside out. Skye was just considering backing up before he saw her, but he turned before she could slip back around the corner.

           “Skye?” Ward sounded much too awake for five in the morning, and considering that he probably hadn’t gotten much sleep the past night either - god, she needed to stop. Breathe.

           “Hey.” Skye said awkwardly, avoiding eye contact. “I was up, and I thought maybe we could go over some training techniques, but you weren’t in your bunk so...” _shut up now_. “Um. Have a good night?”

           Ward looked like he was having trouble finding the right words. No kidding. Skye was having trouble making full sentences, and she was _used_ to speaking in them. And something about the situation hit her and she couldn’t stop the next words from stemming out of her lips. “You know, next time that I’m mentioning that my shoulder’s free and making a complete idiot out of myself, you can let me know that you’ve already got someone back in your bunk, kay? No hard feelings, or anything. I’m new here, you can’t trust me, you’ve got some sort of superiority complex, whatever.”

           Ward looked incredulous. “A - superiority complex? Really?” He was starting to look pissed, too. “You know, Skye, just because someone doesn’t instantly start buddying up to you with their deepest darkest secrets doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them. In fact, I’d say that assuming people need to spill their guts to you is a little self-absorbed. Not everyone thinks you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to them, like your little boyfriend.”

           Skye swallowed. That hit her hard, too hard. She shouldn’t have let herself get close enough to be hurt this much. She could hear her voice rising. “At least Miles actually cared enough about me to want to know what happened to me, instead of just hooking up and keeping it a secret from everyone!”

           “We’re not keeping it a secret, it’s just nobody else’s business!” Ward was shouting now too, and suddenly it was too loud and too bright and Skye was shrinking in on herself and she needed to get out _now_ , before she freaked out.

           “I need to go.” She said quietly, ducking her head and keeping her eyes on the floor, shoulders hunched. All the defense mechanisms she’d built up over her lifetime.

           “Skye -” She could hear the regret in Ward’s voice, the unspoken apology, but she ducked around him and was down the hallway before he could say anything else. Once she was out of earshot, she stopped and blew out a breath. She couldn’t explain the fury brimming out of her, or the betrayal that she couldn’t begin to explain. She couldn’t believe she’d exploded like that - she’d _shouted_ , for god’s sake. She’d sworn when she was a kid that she’d never raise her voice at anyone, not for any reason, and this was the first time she’d broken that rule. It wasn’t the only one. Stay back, behind your walls, don’t get close to anyone. That was another rule she’d broken, and look where it’d gotten her. She tried to slow her breathing, even out the hiccups that were turning into sobs even though she didn’t know what she was crying for. She brought a hand to her mouth, stifling the sobs. Another habit from another life - crying noiselessly, because so many homes had walls that weren’t thick enough to hide the sounds. She let herself cry for just a moment, break down in the back hallway while no one was watching. And then she pulled herself together like she always did and pushed those feeling down, locking them away where they would stay hidden. Alright, she could handle this. It wasn’t the first time she’d let down her walls and let herself trust someone only to end up with more pain than she’d bargained for. All she had to do was distance herself again - not just from Ward, from all of them. Thank god she’d caught this now, before any more damage could be done. She braced herself for what she had to do.

           They’d be surprised, at first, maybe even a little hurt. But they’d get over it, move on to someone else, leave her behind. They always did.

 

           And she was always alone.

 

           She stayed there for a while, calmed herself down. But now the images were there again, flashing behind her eyelids, and she knew from experience that they wouldn’t go away anytime soon. So she went to make herself a cup of coffee, giving up on sleep for the night.

 

           Skye managed to avoid Ward for the rest of the day. She could see the looks on everyone’s faces, wondering why she was acting differently. Hurt, worried, irritated. When she couldn’t ignore Ward anymore, she pretended like nothing had ever happened. Did her training as quickly as possible, then would come back down in the middle of the night to do some more while no one was around. She could feel herself breaking down, but couldn’t stop it. She didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, couldn’t relax long enough for either. Coulson had mentioned it a couple times, but she’d shrugged it off with a brief “I’m fine”, and he hadn’t pushed it. Ward, though, seemed to skirt around her half the time, until he finally brought it up a few weeks later.

           “You know, we can talk about that morning.” He said, taking a break from the exercises he’d been showing her. “I reacted badly, flipped out at you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

           “No worries, I’m over it.” Skye said with a shrug, readying herself up in her fighting stance. They’d begun actual fighting now, not just one-on-one with a punching bag.

           “No, I mean it.” Ward said, relaxing and waiting for her to do the same. Skye followed suit, feeling the beginnings of annoyance tickling the back of her mind. “You’re different. I mean, I’m not complaining about the sudden interest in training, but it’s almost all you ever do.” He took a step closer, and Skye instinctually pulled back. “When was the last time you slept for more than an hour?” He asked - not fierce, not shouting, just a question. “Or ate an actual meal? You’re falling apart, Skye. And I can’t help you, not when you won’t tell me what’s wrong.”

           “Nothing’s wrong.” Skye breathed, looking up to meet his gaze steadily. “I’m fine. I don’t see why you have a problem with me reassigning my priorities -”

           “ _Dammit_ , Skye!” Ward exclaimed, raising his voice for just a moment. “You’re always working, the only thing you ingest is five cups of coffee a day, you don’t sleep - and when you do you have nightmares -”

           “What?”

           Skye hadn’t been expecting that last one. Ward looked hesitant to respond, as if he hadn’t intended to say it.

           “I heard you, a couple of times.” He said finally. “You were screaming, crying. Always different names, but you always said _I’m sorry_ , over and over again. Sorry for what, Skye?”

           Skye turned to the punching bag instead of answering, lashing out with her fists.

           “Where do I start?”

           She hadn’t meant to say that, hadn’t meant to let him in even that much.

           “Where do I even _begin_ to explain all the things that I could’ve done but didn’t?”

           She couldn’t stop, now.

           “Eddie, five. Left his homework at the school; got a bruise on his cheekbone because I was too scared to step in. Emma, eight. Tried to cover for me when I snuck out to go get drunk with my friends; two broken fingers. Jenny, 12. Followed me around, looked up to me like some sort of goddamned idol; didn’t get food for a week for using one of my lines on the dad. Over and over and over _and they were all my fault_.”

           “Skye.” Ward reached over, took her hands in his and turned her until she was facing him. “It’s alright.”

           Skye tried to hold back the tears but there was a crack in her walls and it was crumbling and suddenly she was crying and Ward was wrapping his arms around her as she leaned her head against his chest, breathing in his shirt.

          _“I don’t want to be alone.”_

           She shuddered as soon as she’d said it, sure he would push her away, like so many times before. But instead he held her closer, murmuring words of comfort into her ear.

           “You’re not alone.” He said quietly. “You’ve got this team. You’ve got me.”

           But then Skye remembered the reason she’d started this and she pulled back, the sight of him coming out of May’s room fresh in her mind.

           “What is it? Why won’t you talk to me?” Ward said, exhasperated. Of course. He was annoyed, and this was what she wanted.

 

           Wasn’t it?

 

           “You should go - May’ll be waiting.” Skye said with a swallow, stepping back. Ward’s expression changed, then. Disbelief, maybe, or confusion.

           “Is that why?”

           “Is what why?” Skye had a lock on the tears, now. Well behind their walls. She wouldn’t let this happen again.

           “May and I haven’t - not since that night.” Ward said, clearly uncomfortable, but going ahead anyway. “It was a mistake. We were trying to forget, both of us. And it didn’t work.”

           Skye let out a bitter laugh, keeping her gaze on the ground. “What did you have to try so hard to forget?”

 

           She didn’t want to hear the answer, needed to get out before she exploded.

 

           “You.”

 

           Skye looked back up at him, out of pure shock. A thousand different things were running through her mind, and she didn’t know which one to trust.

 

           Ward locked eyes with her, and she couldn’t look away.

 

           “You never guessed, did you? I didn’t realize myself, until I saw you with Miles. I was so angry, I couldn’t think about anything but getting him away from you. But, I saw the way you looked at him. And I couldn’t handle it.

 

           “I’ve loved you since the day you came here.”

 

           And Skye couldn’t breathe, couldn’t trust herself because things never worked out for her, and she’d never dreamed that this much happiness could fit into her tiny, worn out heart.

 

           Ward was the first to look away this time.

 

“I’m not trying to pressure you. I’ll leave, if that’s what you want.”

 

“No!” Skye couldn’t help herself. “No, I don’t - I don’t want you to leave.”

 

And emotions she’d never thought to see displayed by Agent Ward - hope, wonder, disbelief - crossed his face. And then he closed the distance between them and brought his lips down to meet hers. His hands cupped her face, and Skye reached up to weave her fingers through his hair, bringing him closer.

 

           “I love you.” She murmured into the curves of his lips, breathing him in like she was drowning and he was the oxygen that could save her.

 

           “I love you.”

 


End file.
